IN MY BROKENNESS
Because of the hurt and abuse I was subjected to in my past relationship, I developed a phobia for men and it took me seven years to heal and recover. But one of my secret prayers was that in that period of 'keeping myself" I wanted God to end up embarrassing the guy that hurt me by giving me someone that was going to love me and pamper me just to get back at him. Then I made it a prayer point that the Lord would give me a 'Manasseh'; a man that is going to love me and wipe my tears away. That is a guy that will make it up for the pain I had gone through and make me forget my past pain.
I have never desired to move from one relationship to another. Even from a young age I had prayed that the first guy I should fall in love with should be my husband and get married at the age of twenty one.
Anyways, so I prayed that God will restore me and give me a 'Manasseh'. Lo and behold, after nursing my brokenness for 7 years: that guy I told you he loved me but I had asked him to wait so I can heal first because I didn't want to hurt him with my hurt; he came back!
And there I was thinking he is now back and we are working it out. Everything was a √. From Christ loving to a guy that literally had my heart. I loved him. We spent so much time and shared so many memories together that we were inseparable. We cooked together and went places together. His family knew me and I thought we are fixing things and I thanked God that he was back! You see even a prophet had prophesied and said just talk things out with him; God will restore you and even make your relationship better.
So I went to the brother because we needed to fix things and he said we will talk about it. At the same time I was busy cooking, cleaning, doing everything with the guy until I realized 'wait a minute, why does it look like I'm pouring in so much into this thing but he doesn't seem to be putting any effort!?' and I asked him 'hey sweet things, what exactly are we doing? Are we working things out, are we in a relationship? What exactly are we doing?' And he said ‘sorry I have 'someone'. I almost died!
I had literally invested my whole heart and soul on this guy, thinking that we are fixing things just for him to tell me he has someone else! To a certain point he even told me he was getting married.
Remember I had just recovered and I wanted a testimony that said ‘waiting on God works’, ‘God can restore you and bless you’. But now I had my bubble burst just like that! I remember driving on my way home and I couldn't see the road. Tears’ streaming down my face and it was just blurry. I was hurt and broken again. I had this kind of pain that made me feel like reaping my heart off and let it cool at a distance.
Right after this guy, another hot one came! Oh ya I still loved the other one but I just wanted to quench him from my heart with this new guy. Little did I know that he had a girlfriend and they are actually staying together! When I found out and confronted him he flipped the script on me and said 'Trish please tswaa fo morago game,naare ga monna a sa go batle GA o kgone go bona. ka ebile o motho wa thapelo Modimo wa gago gaa go bolella gore GA ke go batle!' meaning ‘please leave me alone, don’t you ever know when a man does not love you. In fact you are a praying woman, didn’t your God tell you that I don’t want you!’
Mind you, he is saying that to me in the presence of the girl. So he flipped the script on me just like that and made it sound like I'm the one whose been pursuing him. I was so confused at that moment because he had never insulted me, or spoken to me in that manner. So I could not believe that this is the same guy o re tlhotseng re hlanya mmogo like 2 hrs ago! So that was it. Again, I was left broken, confused and above everything I questioned God.
I had prayed remember, for every single one of these guys that it works, that it could be that 'Manasseh' I have prayed for. It was so bad that I started questioning my relationship with God. Do I really hear God? Do I really know how to pray? I couldn't even pray like I used to. Worship I would do because regardless of circumstances I go through He remains God doesn't change and ought to be worship for who He is and I did that without fail.
But I resented praying, asking God for things and even directions because if I had to miss it like this twice when I thought I was a prayer warrior, what’s the use of praying anymore. I didn't trust my prayers and silently worshiped but not any other thing on the agenda.
I questioned if I really even knew how to pray at all. So silently I resented prayer bcoz I didn't trust my prayers anymore. I would rather have you pray for me than I try to pray for myself. Again, you eventually start healing and kinda getting over it and you want to give love another chance again hoping that this time maybe it will work.
So then came another one, this time hotter than the past two guys. Yoooooo re hlanya monna, weekends out and all of that. Dreams and aspirations on point! I remember one day I looked at him and saw everything I ever wished and prayed I could find in a man and whispered 'Lord, this is the man I want to raise my son, I want my son to be like him' and that's how I fell for him.
Heeeeeeeeeee 1 ~2 ~1~2 guy gone! Vanished into thin air. No call, no message and no explanation~ nothing! I realized I'm tired and this time around I'm not chasing and I'm going to let it be. So that was it and when we meet he would act like nothing happened between us. So I just learnt to swallow my pride and deal with it by myself.
I normally say that sometimes it doesn't take a long time for you to fall for someone. It can take a flipping moment, just a simple moment! Yet it takes ages to recover from that moment. I remember I struggled to get over him months after months I would pray against my feelings for him. I would bind, rebuke cast out and curse. Then after sometime when I thought I was it the memories would come with a rush of a wind and I would break down.
Through out all of this I questioned what men meant by ‘I love you’. Does it even mean anything to them? Would I ever believe a man when he says ‘I love you’ because I have seen a man that said he loved walk out on me without an explanation. I have learnt to watch a man I love dearly at a distance and there is nothing I could do about it. Eventually I sat down and said you know what; life happens! I realized that true happiness and wholeness is not found in people, it’s in you! What makes you happy is your pursuing of your dreams and life goals.
A friend confirmed this when he said to me 'as married as I am my joy doesn't come from my emotions to or from my wife, it comes when I push my projects. The rest is a bonus'.
So life happens bagaetsho. I'm reminded of the story of Jacob after wrestling with an angel the whole night and he got out wounded and limping and I had to learn how to trust God even when things are not going my way. I leant hat sometimes in this my brokenness and my scars and my wounds, I got to pick up myself and dust myself off and limp off and make the best out of what life has given me.
I still come before God and say 'Lord, in my brokenness~i love you, you are still God, I love you and I will always love you. Nothing changes'.....
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