PAIN
You see the most painful thing about pain is that it always wants to be quenched with something. It looks like an easy way out but in actual fact it causes more harm than good. Real pain is so deep you wanna do something to try to mellow it or atleast try to forget or replace it.
When it comes to this pain some opt to try to quench it with sex. NOT just sex but excessive sexual acts. This kind of sex no matter how much and how long you have it, it doesn't satisfy. Your poor partner will try to give it to you in every form and style but it still doesn't satisfy because in actual fact you are not trying to satisfy a sexual desire but you are trying to quench a heart pain. This is why some end up as prostitutes, promiscuos or even molesters. There is a pain deep in their hearts and they just want to dig it out.
The pain you feel is so real and tangible that it hurts that you are hurting but then again nobody understands coz they can't feel the kind of pain you are going through yet alone understand it.
You see its issues of the heart that causes this, those sensitive ones that you don't know how to explain it to people let alone dont even know how to put in words in the first place.
When you going through this pain, no one can tell because on the outside you look so well and put together because you have really mastered the art of putting up a front yet you are dying and crying inside. Only those closest to you that know you really well can pick in the little odd things that something is not right.
This pain gets you backed up in a corner and convinces you that you are a burden.
You yourself disqualify yourself from getting help because you are persuaded people are going through their own issues and you don't want to burden them.
You tell yourself no one can actually care about you to that extent so why bother opening up in the first place.
But then again this pain is so tiring that you have infact tried to open up to people before that the people that actually came are those that were just interested in milking issues from you so they can go and discuss and gossip about your issues. You know those kind of friends that want to know it all about your life so that when the gossip meetings starts they are the reference point because the got the juicy infor straight from the source. So you come to a point where you are tired of telling your issues to everyone and not getting help. In fact at this point you are just damn tired of talking about your issues so you decide to shut people out, shut yourself up and just suffer in silence.
At this point now you learn to live with the pain. You adjust and accommodate it and you tell yourself if this is how my life is suppose to be then I might as well make peace with it.
I remember when I was going through my major moments of pain, at some point this couple in church spoke to the deacon about my state. When the deacon came I just didn't want to talk, I didn't want to open up because what difference was he going to bring. I have opened up before remember and I didn't get help. So the deacon just up and left.
You see this couple was part of leadership in the church. One day they called me and sat me down and the wife said 'Trish, if God really loves you, why would He put you in such a big church and not have even one person to reach out to you when you are going through so much in life? I think God doesn't love you, if I were you I would be mad at God. Please be mad at God, He doesn't love you. If he does why would He allow you to go through so much without anyone reaching out to you'.
She was right about a couple of things: yes I was going through hell, yes I was in a big church, yes no one reached out to me but NO God loved me so much.
By then I had a solid relationship with God. Since I tried reaching out to people and no one wanted to burden themselves with me I decided to find solace and refuge in God. Literally God was my friend, my rock, my bestie and my everything. We would lock ourselves in with God and will pour my heart out to Him and somehow the Holy Spirit will give me so much peace that when I walk out of my closet you would not know or even pick that my life is a mess. You see that's what happens when you are in God,when what you are going through is a process for your destiny He is going to let you go through it in peace,He will allow you to go through it and cover you so bad you will look like a millionier when you haven't had a meal in days.
Anyways, the lady continued and said 'you see my husband has actually never liked you. We normally help people out but with you it's difficult, you have this wall around you that we can't penetrate, we don't understand what kind of person you are.' This sounded like the devil talking to God about Job, but anyways she continued...'we have watched you and realised that it is difficult for you to take care of your child, in fact you are failing to take care of your child, so we are going to take your child to social workers, you are not fit to take care of a child'; Which was actually ridiculous because I had now mastered the art of surviving financialy with my allowence alone. I would pay rent, food, clothes, and the nanny and try fit transport all in one allowence. When it became bad I would walk from Khomasdal Park Foods to UNAM and back just to make ends meet.
But then, through it all -I didn't die, I am still alive. I had hope that it might be difficult now but every season is meant to pass and time indeed heals all wounds. Each day I will stand in front of the mirror and say to the girl in the mirror 'its going to be alright, it’s not over, it won't be like this forever.' Then I will turn around and say to the devil "devil, I will be what God has called me to be, I shall do what God has called me to do and my worship remains to you Lord,what I am going through does not change you so still I will worship you".
So, look at me now! I'm still alive and those circumstances did not kill me. You see circumstances cannot kill you, you decide to kill yourself. So hold on child of a King, this too shall pass. You shall be made whole again. It's going to be alright.
So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, fix your crown and try life again...
Xoxo
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