Sound Of Worship
The pain of going through a traumatic abuse does not just evaporate at a whisper. It literally took me seven full years for me to be able to look at a guy again. I was so hurt by a man I came to dispise men. I hated men with a passion. A friend of mine used to say 'Trish you have a forbia for men" because if a man would just try to hold my hand or touch me I will subconsciously jump out of my skin.
During this period there was a guy who really loved me and told me he wants want to marry me. He didn’t care that I had a child and he was in fact willing to adopt my child as his won. But I was too damaged and I was too broken. I told him that I was not in a position to love anyone at that moment- let alone able to love myself. I loved him, I needed him, I wanted a life and family with this new guy but I was just too hurt to try to open up to anybody. I told him to give me time to heal, to deal with my issues or demons. I could let him fight that battle with me, it would have been unfair for him to carry such a burden, I was even afraid that I might damage him by taking out the pain on him.
You see I could not walk into the hospital; just the thought of it freaked me out into a fit. Because when I was in labor the baby’s father would call me and insult me so bad. If I switch off my phone he would call on his mom's phone and she would gladly hand me the phone and he continued with the insults.
This guy told me that I was not good enough to even be carrying a child-let alone his child. I was not woman enough, I was not going to the child and he will take that child away from me after I gave birth and have his mother raise him. This is where the 'having three holes does not make you a woman" insult came from. This was to say that having a vagina, a butt hole and a pee hole did not qualify me as a woman -let alone to raise his child.
All this was happening while I was in labour pains waiting to go into the delivery room. So this experience traumatised me so bad that when you just mentioned the word hospital I would have panic attacks and immediately breakdown like I was crazy. Everything and every memory I went through in the hospital will become fresh and so painful.
To a certain extent I wanted to get pregnant again and have another child and go into the hospital with someone that loves me so that I can erase the memories I had. But then again I thought where will I get a man that with love a wreck like me?
So, it does not take a day to get over such an experience. Some of you here my experience is nothing compared to what you have gone through and are still going through. I guarantee you it took Jesus for me to pick myself up, heal and be restored. It takes an encounter with the Lord for you to recover. It takes time as well. So please do not be too hard on yourself. Give yourself time and space to heal.
Pick yourself up again. It's not easy to look at yourself and think you can be better when someone has confirmed it time and again that you are nothing. It is the hardest thing to try to forgive yourself. It is the most painful thing for you to try to hope again, to try to dream again, to believe in yourself again is torture. But hey, it is possible. It is doable. You can pick yourself again. You are not what he said or she said you are. You are bigger and better than what life has reduced you to.
I look at myself today and the woman that I am, the woman that the devil wanted to kill- I look at myself and burst out into tears of joy. I am one hell of a good woman; I am a good mother that is raising a respectful, intelligent and God fearing boy. I am a virtuous woman I am pricessless-and yoooooh I am such a lover and nurturer! I am godly, a builder, a comforter and a helpmeet to somebody in the future.
I am not whole because I have a man, I am wholly single and content and at rest and at peace alone. I don't need a man in my life to be whole, I am whole because God healed me, restored me and blessed me to live life fully. A man that comes will be to complement me not to complete me.
So my future husband is so blessed, God really loves him so much to give him me as a gift and he shall indeed find favor with the Lord.
Gal, it is possible to heal and be whole again.It is a process, it is painful but it is possible. So baby girl, princess, queen, and woman of substance-'you CAN stand again.
So rise up, dust yourself off, fix your crown and try life again...
Xoxo
#giantslayer
Trish Waboraro is an inspirational writer and an author of four books; Worship Leader Manual Vol I and Worship Leader Manual Vol II which speaks on the spiritual and practical aspects of worship; Broken, which speaks on the issues of life and brokenness through life issues and challenges and Her Articles, a book that covers different issues of societal concern via the spiritual lenses.
© 2020 Trish Waboraro . All Rights Reserved . Design by Trish Waboraro
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