Sound Of Worship
So,at the age of nineteen I found myself pregnant,in a foreign land,alone and the hottest guy to ever walk on planet earth whom I loved so much treating me like trash. Remember I was carrying a lot; having just lost my mom,trying to find myself and recover from the 'marriage saga' ordeal where I spent years my life being threatened everyday for supposedly breaking someone's marriage,now pregnant and mistreated.
You see the pregnancy was not the issue, because the guy was there physically and financially but not emotionally. In as much as he was there he wasn't treating me right and emotionally abused me.
You must understand how much I needed his presence because for so long I felt the whole world was against me. The world had believed rumors against me from a young age and everybody fought me and the one person who stood up for me being my mom had died. So I had run to a foreign land to try to start life where nobody knew me and my history, just to get a breather.
So I was looking for something, someone, love, comfort, just someone I could sit down with and tell him my fears. So when prince charming came I wanted to make him my refuge; my place of comfort and rest but alas, he wasn’t there.
So I sat down, beat up by life and hopeless. I had reached rock bottom in my life. I was totally finished. So one day I sat in Meme Hannah's house in Academia having cried myself flat. I just started talking, ~to God. My mama had taught me to pray but I had run away from this Christianity thing. But that day, I had tried friends, boyfriend, everything there is in the book to hold me but I found myself alone.
So I was lying flat on the floor, well not literally coz I was pregnant hahahahaah, but ya.... I said to this 'God' ' I'm tired, I'm tired of life. I'm only 19 and I don't think no other kid has ever gone through what iv been through. I have tried in life and I can't anymore. I’m alone, life is heavy and I can't live anymore'
You see I have tried other methods of suicide to see which one work will be better. I tried pills overdose and realized it doesn’t work because I drink pills a lot my body can’t react the way I want. I have tried the robe and realised this thing is so painful. So I wanted to die, I wanted to kill myself but I was also secretly scared of dying because having tried the robe and felt how painful it was trying to suffocate myself, I didn't want to try that again.
So in the midst of my tears I pleaded with God 'since you gave me this life and I have no right of taking it. Thank you for the 19 years you gave me but I have had enough, I don't want it anymore so just take your breath away now' and I waited there sobbing waiting for me to pass out as God took his breadth away. But He just ignored me, can you believe it!
So I realised He is so not gonna do that and I said to Him ' OK, since you don't want to take your breath away so I give you this life. I don't want it anymore; I don't want to live it anymore. Take it, it yours anyways and live it through me. I don't know what you are going to do with this wreck but I DARE YOU’....
Little did I know this is how I got born again, how I surrendered my life to Christ. Well I couldn't go to church right away coz I was pregnant and I knew how church folks are judgmental, I didn't want to be asked if I was married and all that so I stayed home and started praying.
You see there are situations in life that God lets you go through so that you can learn how to pray and you can get to know Him face to face. I have met one of those. I started listing to EFM radio every day, read the word and started praying.
Bit by bit I saw the Lord give me hope, strength and I started to learn how to fight in prayer. I started dealing with the giants of my life in the secret of my room one by one. I started seeing God slay those giants through me. Every suicidal thought left me; I noticed I was looking for comfort in the wrong person. My boyfriend though he could have loved me but he couldn't give what I needed. I needed Jesus.
I saw the depression leave and my frustration go. My baby was born in the midst of the greatest battle of my life. That was the battle of my life, the battle of my destiny, my calling, my ministry and my entre life. Sometimes we really fight and we don't know what the battle is all about, it’s destiny babe!
Anyways, Sometimes stress took the best of me to a point I thought I was going to loose my mind, I went though child birth and labor pains in the greatest emotional stress you have ever known, but somehow there was an anchor that kept me. When I was about to faint His breeze of a fighting spirit would rest on me and something will just tell me keep on fighting and I will warrior on.
But now, look at me! That 19 year old dead beat girl is still here. Sometimes I look at myself and I'm reduced to tears because I realize God turned the mess that I was into a message. Guys I was messed up, I didn't see all that I am today, I didn't have any hope that anything good could ever come out of me.
So to someone out there who feels he's at the end of the road and doesn't know how they are going to make it. There is a rock that you can run to and stand on. He knows how to carry people through the waters and through the fires, ask me! His name is JESUS.
Sometimes we put pressure on our partners looking for them to be our Savior when all we need is JESUS. So today I can tell you, I am where I am and what I am because Jesus saved me. I dared Him with my life and I still do not regret it.
I know the pain that pushes you to try to take your own life, I know the feeling that makes you feel worthless and hopeless, but there is a Jesus that can restore your life that can make you even count. Oh the PEACE He gives is ridiculous, sometimes in the midst of your greatest battle He will give you so much peace, its mind blowing. This God!
Trish Waboraro is an inspirational writer and an author of four books; Worship Leader Manual Vol I and Worship Leader Manual Vol II which speaks on the spiritual and practical aspects of worship; Broken, which speaks on the issues of life and brokenness through life issues and challenges and Her Articles, a book that covers different issues of societal concern via the spiritual lenses.
© 2020 Trish Waboraro . All Rights Reserved . Design by Trish Waboraro
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